In My Humble Opinion
Mark loved Camilla. From the day they had first met, courtesy of a mutual friend, she had always been everything he expected from a woman, a true dream given form. The South American beauty was sweet and caring, had the same sense of humor as him, and never complained about his manly hobbies even if she hated them with a passion. She respected his boundaries and he respected hers, thus creating a solid foundation for a relationship that could potentially last forever.
As time went by, the connection that bound them grew stronger yet a small detail began haunting his state of mind. As much as he adored her, there was a sentence she said on a regular basis that ticked him off and he had no idea why. The sentence was,
“In my humble opinion…”
Hearing it once? No problem. Hearing it twice or three times in the same day? A bit strange, but okay. Hearing it all the time they were having a conversation? Annoying as fuck, especially given what always seemed to happen afterward. He hated to admit it, but he had had enough.
“We need to talk,” he said one day as they were returning home from a night at the theater.
“Do we really?”
“Yes. I’ve been postponing it for a while now but I have to get this out of my chest before it drives me insane. Will you please listen?”
“Of course, sweetie,” Camila smiled. “What’s on your mind?”
“It’s something you say. You use this expression a lot and it’s starting to grate on my nerves. I was wondering if you could tone it down a bit going forward.”
“What expression is that?”
“In my humble opinion…”
“You don’t like it when I say that?”
“I don’t like to hear you say it all the time.”
“But I don’t do that.”
“Yes, you do. Just today, you’ve said it when we were deciding what movie to watch, what type of popcorn I should buy, whether we should call a cab or an Uber… it’s annoying.”
“So you don’t like it when I voice my opinions?”
“No, that’s not at all. You just don’t have to say the same thing over and over again. It’s almost like…”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re programming my mind or something. This is weird as fuck, I know, but I couldn’t help but notice that every time you say that, I always end up agreeing with you somehow.”
“And why is that a bad thing? You love agreeing with me.”
“It’s… confusing. I don’t ask for much from you, but I’m asking you this: for the sake of my sanity, keep those words to a minimum, okay?”
“I see what’s going on. Do you want to hear what I think?”
“Sure.”
“In my humble opinion, you’re a bit tired and cranky today.”
“Fuck! You’ve just said it again.”
“In my humble opinion, getting all riled up with me over something I say isn’t going to take you anywhere.”
“Hmmm… could you please…?”
“In my humble opinion, it would be best if you stopped talking right now and simply listen to my words. You will do that, won’t you?”
Mark nodded, mouth slightly ajar. His thought patterns had slowed down to a crawl as his girlfriend continued arranging his mind.
“In my humble opinion, questioning me is wrong. I don’t think you should do that ever again. You value my opinions and are always happy to let me do the thinking for you. There’s no point in changing what works, so why bother? You agree, correct?”
His head bobbed slightly forward like a spring doll.
“Good. In my humble opinion, these last five minutes never happened. I’ve forgotten about them. When I snap my fingers, so will you, and then we can go back to the way everything was before. This is what I want, so…
*snap*
Mark loved Camilla. She was the most beautiful woman ever. He was so lucky to have her in control of his life!
“Was I saying something?” he muttered, lost in her lovely aquamarine eyes.
“I don’t think so. Was there something you wanted to say?”
“No.”
“Good. I do though. Want to listen?”
“Of course.”
“In my humble opinion, you should worship my pussy all night long the moment we arrive home.”
Her opinions were the best.
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